I cry every day. I tell people that, and most times they shrug their shoulders. "struggling to come to grips.." is what it's called, I guess. Is that the same as picking a fight with someone that can and will surely fuck me up for the long term for the sake of putting my thoughts to rest?
In all seriousness .. I wish that I could describe the loss. the emptiness, void, whatever it is. It's like a heart cramp and all i can do is ball my fists, and suffer through. and it hurts, so much.
And the rears roll.
The other item i wanted to touch on today was cigarettes and TCC, specifically second hand smoke. Purdue U, which is really the ONLY school doing lasting notable research on TCC, suggests that second hand smoke might be a contributor to TCC, but that more research is needed.
I can tell you that ONE of my hugest regrets and something I will live with for the rest of my days, sadly, is that I caused Coco's Cancer. See, I smoke cigarettes, and I smoked around Coco for nearly 7 years :/ I know that I am opening myself up to recriminations for admitting this. Not surprisingly, the folks in FB group I am a part of spend a lot of time discussing causes, but smoking never comes up. I'll be honest and say, I think a lot of folks suffer silently with that guilt.
I plan on putting up some kind of poll to see if I can get any kind of results. I dont know why.
April 1st, 2019 · coconut's grove · whoo · Comments (0)
TCC and breeds of dogs
The preeminent authority for canine TCC is Purdue University. If you, or someone you know, has a furkid with TCC, you should look them up. One of the most interesting arguments they have made is that some breeds of dogs are genetically predisposed to TCC.
A genetic predisposition is strongly suspected because TCC is more common in specific breeds of dogs. Scottish Terriers have an 18-20 fold higher risk of TCC than other dogs. Shetland Sheepdogs, Beagles, West Highland White Terriers, and Wire Hair Fox Terriers are 3 to 5 times more likely to develop TCC than other dogs. Dogs in related breeds may also have a higher risk of TCC, but this has not been studied yet.
What is interesting about the above, is that, if you know nothing else about any of those breeds, and look their breed up on the AKC website - you don't see any mention of TCC. Wouldn't it be helpful to know if your dog has a predisposition to something that is going to KILL them?
Had i known I would have done things differently. Coconut would have had a different life.
different is not always better
This will be a common refrain in these posts. I say that because while I have overplayed a 100 scenarios in my head, I understand that different isn't always better. Dear reader, you may think that had you made one different choice in your life, or in your pet's life, that you might have changed the outcome. And perhaps you might have. But, that doesn't necessarily mean that something else couldn't have happened. You can't plan for everything, you can't stop all the sickness, you can only do the best that you can.
And know that you are only human.
There is one exception to all of this, and it has to do with smoking, and I plan to start covering that terrible habit and the impact it has on dogs and cats in my next post. For now, it is Sunday, and I don't want to cry, so this is it for the day.
Cheers from one survivor to another.
March 31st, 2019 · coconut's grove · whoo · Comments (0)
It is somehow fitting that I return here to write about all of this, dear reader. She was born here, therefore it only fitting that she live here, and in a way, I guess, die here.
I lost Coconut on March 7, 2019. She was, depending on how good your math is, either 13 or 14 years old. She was my one. I know that may sound odd, or like I am some nutjob with a romantic interest in non-humans. I assure you it's not like that. Coco just got me. But that's not why I write. I write because I have survivors guilt. I write because I have questions. I write because maybe by writing, and by writing here, her life means more than what it means to me. Maybe it can mean something to you.
Coconut was diagnosed with Transitional Cell Carcinoma (TCC) back in early 2018, April 20, to be exact. It took longer than it should to get diagnosed because I dismissed the symptoms (blood spotting in her pee mainly) as nothing to be worried about, after all, she was "so healthy" otherwise, because my brother passed away around the same time, and because once she did get to the Vet, his tests were not as timely as they could have been. In fact, I called it Cancer before he did. In the end, none of that mattered.
I am not a Vet so I am not going to get super technical about TCC — it's bladder cancer, and in dogs, the MAIN symptoms are: blood in urine (which is usually dismissed as a UTI) and trying to pee, but not, or continually trying to pee, but not.. What I would tell anyone wondering what to look for is anything that's not normal. Know your dog, know their habits, and follow up when something isn't right. They can't tell you — you have to look. There is also the BRAF Test for Diagnosis & Monitoring of Canine TCC. But I'll get into that later. Trust me when I say, there is a lot to talk about.
I had a difficult time with Coconut's diagnosis, as would be expected. In fact, it hit me like a train.
I tried to clone Coco. I would have done it, were it not for the invasive nature of surgery necessary to get the genetic material. I'll be honest here and say that Coco's teeth were not in the best of shape. I justified that because taking care of her teeth meant surgery, and because of her previous medical history (see THIS blog), I wouldnt allow surgery. Therefore, how could I allow surgery for something that was completely selfish (the cloning), and then not allow her teeth to be cleaned. I also knew the surgery was dangerous for a dog her age, just because it couldnt be done with a local. Honestly though, it came down to money. I am not rich. I reached out to the company that does pet cloning (they are in Texas). I asked them to do Coco for free (I really did ask), but they declined. So I reached out to Barbra Streisand via Twitter; she never responded. I tried to contact some other people that I thought might have money to spare for that kind of thing, but I didn't hear back from any of them either. I made a GoFundMe. I actually got the initial money for the genetic material kit, but just couldn't risk the surgery. What if I lost her? I returned the money, and closed the GoFundMe.
In hind sight, I wish I had taken that risk.
Eventually, I settled into a routine of palliative care and "lets try just about anything we can find AND we can afford". There are choices depending on where the tumor is located in the bladder. Coco's tumor was in the apex, which is not a good location, and it extended partly into her urethra. Surgery to remove wasn't an option. And all the other options I found, only provided more time, and at what cost. All I could think about was how much I loved my little white dog, and couldn't bear to watch her to suffer for my sake. They have stents.. some people do it. I joined a Facebook group, and I even read about a dog that had it's entire bladder removed. He was alive, and using a stent. He was much younger than Coco though, and I think the owner was rich too.
We did try Piroxicam twice. That is a well-known, and regularly prescribed drug used against canine TCC. It upset her stomach both times. I also tried Cerenia. That was very expensive, and seemed to help. I guess. Honestly, I don't know. I tried all kinds of other stuff that was holistic, of course. Her diet evolved continually, until she was basically only eating human food.
Let me stop right here, and say that when you have a dog with TCC there are certain signs that things are going well: your dog is eating, and your dog is not bleeding, and your dog is not straining to pee. I think, now, that the first 2 of those items are easy enough to see, but that unless you fight the growth of the tumor, the third doesn't really happen, you just lower the mental bar. More about lowering the bar later too.
I also chose not to go the route of continual/monthly ultrasounds to monitor the size of the tumor. No-one had been optimistic of her chances from the get-go, so why would I give them money I dont have to tell me that she is still going to die. That seemed pretty needless to me.
And life, sort of, goes on? Not really. In May 2018, not even a month after her diagnosis, I paid for Coco's euthanasia and cremation. I had seen 2 vets by then and neither was hopeful. The U was overbooked. She wasn't a viable candidate for any of the TCC studies that were going on (yes I looked into them; I even e-mailed Purdue U). I am not saying I was discouraged but yes, I was discouraged at the beginning. It was a process. For me, and for the tumor.
TCC is most often described as a roller-coaster. Maybe that is true of all Cancers, I don't know thankfully. TCC definitely is. There were days where I almost thought Coco might not be sick anymore. But then she would try to pee 10 times without anything coming out. If that happened only once, or twice, that was a good day. There were days where she crawled under the tub and slept for hours. Those were bad days.
If you are reading this, and your dog has been diagnosed with TCC, get a calendar, and some sharpies. Or stars. Mark the days as you go along. They will help you to know. Good days. Bad days.
Eventually, as the tumor grows, a dog with TCC will be driven to try to pee more. And more, and more, and more. I describe it to people like this: A constant pressure of having to pee. Coco eventually could not walk without squatting to try to pee about every 10 or so steps. Sometimes it was worse than that, sometimes it was better. But that pressure to pee, it was always there. Eventually she started making mistakes inside. Some owners put diapers on their dogs. Most owners only sleep for about 2 hours before taking their dog out for the "real" pee, and dealing with the leftovers of all the "fake" pee caused by all the squatting (drops basically). That's the route I took, Coco would not have tolerated a diaper, trust me.
Near the end, Coco would stand up from sleeping, and pee in her bedding. I did a lot of laundry. I went through 2 dog beds.
I could tell a lot of stories, and will, I am sure, as I go along with these posts. None of it is pleasant, but it's a necessary conversation for me to have if I want to feel better. Right now, I am in tremendous pain. I miss her like air. I'm going to say this a lot: Nothing could have prepared for me for losing her. Nothing.
March 30th, 2019 · coconut's grove · whoo · Comments (0)
